WWED?

(What Would Erma Do?)

When I started this blog way back when, I wanted to use it for two purposes -- a sort of a diary during struggles and a scratch pad for creativity.  At times, my blog has been my open diary for the world to read. Where I lay it out. Let the feelings roll.  And rant and rave.

At times, it has been my creative outlet or a form of scratch pad for practice.  The second is especially true with the various writing projects over the years, testing the waters to see how different aspects of my writing have worked out.  Those projects have let me try out character creation, plot outlining, and writing descriptions.

This entry is an open diary entry.  I find these useful for letting off steam, being passive aggressive, and being truthful.  And today I feel like I need to skate as near the truth as possible.

About 5 to 6 years ago, I began to feel "the change."   Some refer to it as "mid-life crisis."  I prefer to think of it as "Holy Sh*t!  I've still got a lot that I want to do."   What this led to was an overhaul and evaluation of everything up to that point and weeding out what didn't make me happy.  The operative word in that sentence is "me."  Helen Reddy recorded a song that I often listen to -- "Would you take better care of yourself? Would you be kinder to yourself? Would you be more forgiving of your human imperfections if you realized your best friend was yourself?"   I've slowly became one of those people who had to be their own best friend in order to survive and ever more important a very high-level of independence.  

Several times, it feels like some people in my life have not been able to handle that level of independence I have soared to. Mainly because I think that they themselves may not know how to be independence.  They may need emotional crutches, a constant place to blow up, and/or a sympathetic ear.  And to be honest, I have grown tired of those people! and in turn, I have basically walked away.  Why?  I'm tired. Just like I just wrote!

While wading through intrusive thoughts, reliving painful memories, and bursts of extreme anger, I worked myself to a place where I kept asking the same question over and over and not really getting an answer.  Until one day the answer just slapped me in the face.   

The question (said in a strong and power burst): "For how long?  For how long do I need to be an emotional crutch?  For how long do I need to listen to people complain over and over about stuff they have no control over?  For how long do I have to deal with other people and their decision that they made and didn't work out for them?   For how long?!"

The answer (said in a plain simple calm voice):  "You decide."

I decided that I was done.  My peace of mind became a priority.  My life is mine and nobody else's.  I get to choose.  And to those people I say "F*ck off.  You're breaking my peace."

But I also have had to accept the concept of hypocrisy.  Whew, hypocrisy!  Just seeing the word wears me out.  I just can't stand it anymore.  This is a whole other blog post just waiting to happen.

Well, anyway.   As I said this is one of posts that serves as a diary entry.  I also use them as writing practice just to get thoughts out and practice on the keyboard and learn not to write run-on sentences just like this one.

I have so many writing projects that I want to work on.  I think I will create a schedule, maybe that would help to organize them....  I know there are those who love "A View of the Town" -- tales from the sleepy Maine seaport of Misty Cove.   Lego stories!  Every year I get asked if Brickford Falls will be making an appearance.  By the way, Brickford Falls is partially set up in my basement.  I just need to get my a** down there and work on it.  Then there's two books ideas floating around -- one is a new Time Travelers' Club book.  The other is forming....  A new character, Mrs. Rowena Meredith.  She is fascinating...  well, at least to me she is.

CSM