Come and sit with me in the confessional. I have something to say.

In recent years, I've had some bad experiences involving alcohol.  I'm not going to name names or identify any specific incidents.  That's not the purpose of this entry.  The purpose of this entry to expose a part of my personality. I've decided it's time to put it out there.  It's the part that others don't want to bare or even face, let alone put it out there for the whole world to read.  

I want to state two points before I get to what I really want to say.

First, I don't care if someone drinks alcohol.  That's their choice and they have to carry the responsibility of their actions while under its influence.  Second, I do not drink alcohol. Only the occasional drink, but at my discretion. I find it upsetting when I've mentioned this numerous times, yet the message doesn't seem to be heard.  At some point, I begin to question the respect people have for me.

Now on with the confession. So here it is.

I am vindictive.  And I am well versed in it.  Not physically, but verbally. 

I could take someone down without touching them.  I don't need to throw physical punches; I'm not strong enough. But I know how not to mince words. In my past, I have been called to carpets numerous times over my comments, statements, and harsh words.  I have gotten in trouble to the point of the fear of losing a job.  All because I got to the point in the most hurtful and harmful way. I've lost friends due to extreme honesty.  

One time, my vindictiveness was fueled by several bottles of wine.  And from that downfall, I swore never ever again.  I was painfully, hurtfully and brutally honest.  And I've never spoke of it again and never will, but I have lived with the memory.  I learned my lesson and never forgot that lesson.

I have spent a lot of time focusing on this aspect of my personality.  Taming it.  Tempering it. Controlling it.  I am afraid to drink again for fear of it unleashing itself.  I have learned to live with that part of personality and the pain it can bring.  I've tried to unsuccessfully eradicate it.  When that failed, I decided to studied it and learned to live with it like some disease.

And now through my writing, I've found a venue for it.  Through my characters, my stories, and my blog.  I have used my writing to let it fly, but still controlled.

I don't drink alcoholic beverages.  And never will again.

Thanks for reading.

CSM