I tried to jot down my thoughts and feelings in this post. As I've mentioned before, this is my scratch pad. A chance for me to practice writing, but I never said it would be all fun and games. There's always the rough stuff to write. I have rough stuff to write in my books. Yes -- books... with an "s". I need more time to write!
And among all of the above, I'm dealing with a few of my own irritating demons. When they rear their heads, I say "Down, damn you!" They sometimes listen and other times don't. Never fun.
Yet, Perry Como sings "There's no place like home for the holidays... For no matter where you roam..." Dorothy says "There's no place like home..." There's even old proverbs that go "People long to be at home" and "Your home is whatever place you long to be."
I hear the words, but sometimes I don't feel them. Sometimes, I just can't seem to put my hands on it. I'm holding items from that home, but they don't move... or cry... or laugh... You can hug them, but they don't hug back.
That's because home is a feeling. It's where I feel safe, comfort, and loved. Mementos only remind you of those past days and places. Of birthdays, Christmases, hugs and kisses...
Home can be a physical place. Where I watch TV, read, write, sleep, and eat... It's my new place as the old place fades. When the physical place is almost gone, I have struggled, feeling alone in the dark, trying to find it. The place has to be nurtured, cultivated, and feed in order to make it a new home. I have weakened mine. Allowing it to wither, struggling for life, letting the pulse slow. But, I know it still has life.
****
The other day I struck up a conversation with my heart. My uninvited mind joined in.
"Move away," I said. "Find a new place."
"No, no you must stay," said my heart. "You can't take it all with you and what you leave behind will only morph into a new set of irritations, agonies, and superstitions. And there we create new problems."
"No, I need to move away," I said. "Find a new place."
"Why?" said my heart. "Do you think it will be better?
My mind rolled its eyes. "Listen, if you want to, just move. Don't listen to the old ticker."
My heart rebuffed. "Stop listening to your mind and listen to me. Why do you want to leave?"
"So I can find someplace to call home."
"Is that what you are really looking for? Or are you just running away?" My heart asked.
"Stupid heart," said my mind. "Why would you ask that? There's no home here anymore. In the new home, there can be a new sense of hope, new adventures, new... new... new..."
"Is there?" My heart tugged at me. "Is it that there is no home or has it become stagnant, decayed, and blistered? How long would it be until the new home meets the same fate? If the old one has some life, you can water it, watch it bloom again, and journey into a new phase."
I had to ponder a moment. What a conflict. The old phrase "Hope springs eternal" jumps about. I knew the correct answers.
*****
This time of year, this Christmas Season, I am reminded of a physical home. An actual place that will soon be gone. Along with an era. Closing. Only moments in time. With burial, goes the last of the former home. I can't deny that.
I can only stand and look at the footsteps left on the road behind me. It will become an impassable route. A bridge burnt by its own hand. I tell myself "Don't look back, just remember." Now, I evaluate where you are and how you got here and adjust. I hate the change. I hate the loss.
I can only hate so long, before I have to return to the journey. There's nothing wrong with pause. It's only wrong if I pause and move forward without learning.
I watched a great film called Big Eden. It's about a guy whose seeking something that he can't find. He finds what he was looking for without even seeing it. It just comes to him. Grace Cornwell played by the lovely Louise Fletcher has this great line. She's talking to Henry, the main character --
Listen, you know what they say when you get lost in the woods? If you stay put, stay in one place and don't wander, they'll find you. And I was just hoping you'd let yourself be found this time. I was hoping you'd let us find you. But you keep wandering and we can't.
I had a similar piece of advice from friend, Jim Kyle --
It's not whether you're looking, it's whether you're out there to be found.
I know my choices. I know the answer. Let This Christmas Season roll on. I can't stop the inevitable, but I can control the evitable.
Wow. Did I just write all of that?
CSM
And among all of the above, I'm dealing with a few of my own irritating demons. When they rear their heads, I say "Down, damn you!" They sometimes listen and other times don't. Never fun.
Yet, Perry Como sings "There's no place like home for the holidays... For no matter where you roam..." Dorothy says "There's no place like home..." There's even old proverbs that go "People long to be at home" and "Your home is whatever place you long to be."
I hear the words, but sometimes I don't feel them. Sometimes, I just can't seem to put my hands on it. I'm holding items from that home, but they don't move... or cry... or laugh... You can hug them, but they don't hug back.
That's because home is a feeling. It's where I feel safe, comfort, and loved. Mementos only remind you of those past days and places. Of birthdays, Christmases, hugs and kisses...
Home can be a physical place. Where I watch TV, read, write, sleep, and eat... It's my new place as the old place fades. When the physical place is almost gone, I have struggled, feeling alone in the dark, trying to find it. The place has to be nurtured, cultivated, and feed in order to make it a new home. I have weakened mine. Allowing it to wither, struggling for life, letting the pulse slow. But, I know it still has life.
****
The other day I struck up a conversation with my heart. My uninvited mind joined in.
"Move away," I said. "Find a new place."
"No, no you must stay," said my heart. "You can't take it all with you and what you leave behind will only morph into a new set of irritations, agonies, and superstitions. And there we create new problems."
"No, I need to move away," I said. "Find a new place."
"Why?" said my heart. "Do you think it will be better?
My mind rolled its eyes. "Listen, if you want to, just move. Don't listen to the old ticker."
My heart rebuffed. "Stop listening to your mind and listen to me. Why do you want to leave?"
"So I can find someplace to call home."
"Is that what you are really looking for? Or are you just running away?" My heart asked.
"Stupid heart," said my mind. "Why would you ask that? There's no home here anymore. In the new home, there can be a new sense of hope, new adventures, new... new... new..."
"Is there?" My heart tugged at me. "Is it that there is no home or has it become stagnant, decayed, and blistered? How long would it be until the new home meets the same fate? If the old one has some life, you can water it, watch it bloom again, and journey into a new phase."
I had to ponder a moment. What a conflict. The old phrase "Hope springs eternal" jumps about. I knew the correct answers.
*****
This time of year, this Christmas Season, I am reminded of a physical home. An actual place that will soon be gone. Along with an era. Closing. Only moments in time. With burial, goes the last of the former home. I can't deny that.
I can only stand and look at the footsteps left on the road behind me. It will become an impassable route. A bridge burnt by its own hand. I tell myself "Don't look back, just remember." Now, I evaluate where you are and how you got here and adjust. I hate the change. I hate the loss.
I can only hate so long, before I have to return to the journey. There's nothing wrong with pause. It's only wrong if I pause and move forward without learning.
I watched a great film called Big Eden. It's about a guy whose seeking something that he can't find. He finds what he was looking for without even seeing it. It just comes to him. Grace Cornwell played by the lovely Louise Fletcher has this great line. She's talking to Henry, the main character --
Listen, you know what they say when you get lost in the woods? If you stay put, stay in one place and don't wander, they'll find you. And I was just hoping you'd let yourself be found this time. I was hoping you'd let us find you. But you keep wandering and we can't.
I had a similar piece of advice from friend, Jim Kyle --
It's not whether you're looking, it's whether you're out there to be found.
I know my choices. I know the answer. Let This Christmas Season roll on. I can't stop the inevitable, but I can control the evitable.
Wow. Did I just write all of that?
CSM
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