I'm mad at myself.
I'm so mad for not standing up more during the first half of my life and saying "I am who I am." Part of my anger that I'm feeling towards my parents is really anger directed at myself for not being me, for standing up and saying "Hey! I pay the bills in my house. If you don't like it, too bad!"
The idea of "pleasing your parents" is a tough one to get over. From my earliest days, I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I lived the ideal of "pleasing my parents." Graduating high school, going to college, getting a good job, getting married... Wait. Stop. That's right. I can't get married in Indiana. I guess Minnesota/New York/Massachusetts will be in my future...
I wanted to please my parents... even if it meant hiding a big part of my life from them. My secret life. Or at least I think it was a secret. Please, every parent knows.
I remember my Father making comments, in reference to other people, "I don't care, I just don't want it in my face." My Mother was quoted one time for saying "We're waiting for the other shoe to drop." At first, I respected my Father's comment, but now all this time later, I realize what I gave up to "please my parents."
Damn! I am so mad at myself.
The bottom line is... It doesn't matter now. They're gone and now they probably know, but it's still an important process for me. That moment that you come out to your parents. I denied myself that opportunity, mainly out of so much respect, but also out of so much fear. I feared the possibilities.
Now that it's out there, I don't feel any different. And I have no fear. I'm not afraid anymore. Yesterday is today and tomorrow will be today all over -- another thought for the therapist.
Then I stop and think... They came from a different generation. They had their secrets, too. I'm sure there are ones we know nothing about. But for me, this is one of those that I have to let out into the world.
Sorry, but I just don't feel the need to please you two any more. For the moment, I've got to please myself. There's just no reason to have fear anymore.
CSM
I'm so mad for not standing up more during the first half of my life and saying "I am who I am." Part of my anger that I'm feeling towards my parents is really anger directed at myself for not being me, for standing up and saying "Hey! I pay the bills in my house. If you don't like it, too bad!"
The idea of "pleasing your parents" is a tough one to get over. From my earliest days, I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I lived the ideal of "pleasing my parents." Graduating high school, going to college, getting a good job, getting married... Wait. Stop. That's right. I can't get married in Indiana. I guess Minnesota/New York/Massachusetts will be in my future...
I wanted to please my parents... even if it meant hiding a big part of my life from them. My secret life. Or at least I think it was a secret. Please, every parent knows.
I remember my Father making comments, in reference to other people, "I don't care, I just don't want it in my face." My Mother was quoted one time for saying "We're waiting for the other shoe to drop." At first, I respected my Father's comment, but now all this time later, I realize what I gave up to "please my parents."
Damn! I am so mad at myself.
The bottom line is... It doesn't matter now. They're gone and now they probably know, but it's still an important process for me. That moment that you come out to your parents. I denied myself that opportunity, mainly out of so much respect, but also out of so much fear. I feared the possibilities.
Now that it's out there, I don't feel any different. And I have no fear. I'm not afraid anymore. Yesterday is today and tomorrow will be today all over -- another thought for the therapist.
Then I stop and think... They came from a different generation. They had their secrets, too. I'm sure there are ones we know nothing about. But for me, this is one of those that I have to let out into the world.
Sorry, but I just don't feel the need to please you two any more. For the moment, I've got to please myself. There's just no reason to have fear anymore.
CSM
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