The other day, I had a "come-to-Jesus" (CTJ) meeting. As defined by me, it's a meeting where someone close to you confronts and threatens to beat the hell out of you.
It's not important to go into the details about what we talked about. It is, however, important to know this: It takes a lot of love and care to have one of these meetings. Between rounds of tears, various compliments, being told to just shut up and sit down, and for god's sake just anchor the damn boat, I began to face my demons and make some peace.
It's not important to go into the details about what we talked about. It is, however, important to know this: It takes a lot of love and care to have one of these meetings. Between rounds of tears, various compliments, being told to just shut up and sit down, and for god's sake just anchor the damn boat, I began to face my demons and make some peace.
One important discovery during the meeting -- life is now different in ways I hadn't thought. It all changed at 3:30 in the afternoon of April 15th, 2013. I now have no reason to run away. I realize now it was my parents I wanted to run away from. Not that I hated them, but because I had a high level of fear of hurting them. This all relates to the anger towards myself for not being who I am. I didn't want them to see the real me.
Last week, I told three different people that I was "selling out" and "moving away" because "things just don't work out here for me." These words were the main focal points of the conversations.
The most significant life-changing discovery from our CTJ meeting was that I no longer had to "sell out" and "move away" and should start believing that things would work out for me right here. In other words, stop trying to run-away! Invest here. And let yourself be invested. Yes, it means settling, but it can be good settling. I have friends here. I have people who love me here. I have a good job. And I have reasonable goals.
We also talked about my travels over the past few years. After each trip, I came back refreshed. I had seen some other part of the world. I had left my home only to realize it is home. I haven't traveled in a while. That's also part of the problem. Easily fixed.
In hindsight, the words "selling out", "moving away", and "things just don't work out here for me" no longer served any purpose except one. They served as my clues as to where I was in grief. I had hit bottom. Now, I would began to bounce back up. The words are not new to me. I've said them other times when I thought "I just can't do this anymore." Dealing with both of my parent's sicknesses and saying goodbye, changes in my job, feeling lost or alone, and now saying goodbye to my childhood home.
The bottom line is, dear readers, I want to invest in you whether I know you or not. Keep reading. I know some posts are dull and boring, but I didn't promise you perfection. And remember, this is my scratch pad for practice. My books are the bigger goal.
And second, I would like to apologize to those people who listened to me go on about leaving and selling out. It isn't happening. I don't need to. I hope you will invest in me as much as I have or want to invest in you.
CSM
Very glad you are sticking around! Some of the places you talked about moving to are fantastic, but "turns out not where but who you're with that really matters." I learned that while living in New York. Good things will happen when you let them! :-)
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