The other day I read about the stages of grief. Denial, depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance. The book said that not everyone goes through all the stages and some may take longer to emerge.
I can say without a doubt that I had been in the denial stage since October, when the Doctor told me he had about 6 months. Now in hindsight, I was pretending that it wasn't happening. That this was just another "trip to the hospital" or, as they call them now, "an episode." But, as it turned out, I was wrong. I couldn't and/or wouldn't face the truth. Reflecting back, I started the grieving process then.
Now, I feel bouts of depression and anger. The depression is manifesting in waking up between 3 and 4 a.m. My mind whirling, thinking about this and that. As the Carpenters song goes, "I'm wide awake at four a.m. without a friend in sight, hanging on a hope but I'm alright." I have such a love/hate relationship with that damn song. And of course, the anger is coming out by being short-tempered and great desire to punch a few people in the face. (Especially the second one... Any volunteers?) I also feel anger towards people who have done nothing at all. I have to stop and remind myself "They have their own problems and lives. Don't take it out on them."
I have to admit I don't see the need for the bargaining stage at this point. Nothing will bring him back. I guess I could bargain for a long, successful second half of my life. Not really sure that would get me anywhere. Just guessing.
And I think acceptance is just something... well... I have to accept. My convictions are riding high right now. My father didn't just die and that was it. I like to think he's off with my mother doing who knows what. Heaven, another astral plane, the fourth dimension, the promised land, the great wheel in the sky, whatever you call it... He's there. My mother's there. A bunch of other people are there and they're all running around doing... Well, I'm not sure. Whatever they do. Hopefully something fun. Mark Twain thought Heaven looked boring, just sitting around in white robes and playing harps. I agree with you Mr. Twain.
I'll sum up with this. On my mother's flower arrangement for her funeral, I had the florist put "See you later." I didn't do that for my father. He knew how I felt.
Back to the stages of grief, there's one point I didn't see in the book I read. A stage or period that follows acceptance -- I call it "filling the void."
Both of my parents are gone. My childhood home will be gone. The family structure will be gone. It's crumbling as I write this.
What happens next? There's a large void in my life. What will take its place?
The usual suspects come to mind -- booze and wild sex. Ha! Sorry, not for me... Well, maybe a bottle of wine... OK, and maybe a little wild sex... But only one bottle and a few hours of sex...
Don't worry. I have a bigger plan.
CSM
I can say without a doubt that I had been in the denial stage since October, when the Doctor told me he had about 6 months. Now in hindsight, I was pretending that it wasn't happening. That this was just another "trip to the hospital" or, as they call them now, "an episode." But, as it turned out, I was wrong. I couldn't and/or wouldn't face the truth. Reflecting back, I started the grieving process then.
Now, I feel bouts of depression and anger. The depression is manifesting in waking up between 3 and 4 a.m. My mind whirling, thinking about this and that. As the Carpenters song goes, "I'm wide awake at four a.m. without a friend in sight, hanging on a hope but I'm alright." I have such a love/hate relationship with that damn song. And of course, the anger is coming out by being short-tempered and great desire to punch a few people in the face. (Especially the second one... Any volunteers?) I also feel anger towards people who have done nothing at all. I have to stop and remind myself "They have their own problems and lives. Don't take it out on them."
I have to admit I don't see the need for the bargaining stage at this point. Nothing will bring him back. I guess I could bargain for a long, successful second half of my life. Not really sure that would get me anywhere. Just guessing.
And I think acceptance is just something... well... I have to accept. My convictions are riding high right now. My father didn't just die and that was it. I like to think he's off with my mother doing who knows what. Heaven, another astral plane, the fourth dimension, the promised land, the great wheel in the sky, whatever you call it... He's there. My mother's there. A bunch of other people are there and they're all running around doing... Well, I'm not sure. Whatever they do. Hopefully something fun. Mark Twain thought Heaven looked boring, just sitting around in white robes and playing harps. I agree with you Mr. Twain.
I'll sum up with this. On my mother's flower arrangement for her funeral, I had the florist put "See you later." I didn't do that for my father. He knew how I felt.
Back to the stages of grief, there's one point I didn't see in the book I read. A stage or period that follows acceptance -- I call it "filling the void."
Both of my parents are gone. My childhood home will be gone. The family structure will be gone. It's crumbling as I write this.
What happens next? There's a large void in my life. What will take its place?
The usual suspects come to mind -- booze and wild sex. Ha! Sorry, not for me... Well, maybe a bottle of wine... OK, and maybe a little wild sex... But only one bottle and a few hours of sex...
Don't worry. I have a bigger plan.
CSM
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