In the closing scene of the film Ordinary People, Donald Sutherland's character is sitting on the hard cement porch slab next to a very young (and cute) Timothy Hutton who is playing his son. Sutherland says to Hutton a line that goes something like this (but not exactly quoted):
"I never had to be hard on you, because you were always hard on yourself."
Confession time: I cry when I hear that line. I don't sob, just get teary eyed. It is a movie line that speaks to me. One sentence that I relate to so much that it brings tears.
My parents never really punished me, not that I recall. They never had to. I always punished myself for not being better, for not succeeding, for not exercising the needed patience. And my personal punishment was always worse when I failed or imagined that I screwed up.
I have yet to learn not to be hard on myself. Not to punish myself when I don't even know if I did something wrong. And at times, when it wasn't even my fault.
Stopping and pondering this thought, I have to ask myself. Where does it come from? The high expectations or standards that I have built for myself. It's one of those questions that I can't seem to answer. It reminds me of dust bunnies that you try to get but the just keep rolling along the floor because some invisible air flow pushes them along... Damn! I even get hard on myself over that. I should be able to get that thing.
Other people's levels don't bother me. Those are theirs to own regardless of how high or low they are. My standards are for me. Is it some fantasy that I've built for myself? Try to reach as high as possible. Get that A so I can prove something.
Maybe my expectations for myself will mellow with age? Pffft! Great... Maybe when I'm 80!
CSM
"I never had to be hard on you, because you were always hard on yourself."
Confession time: I cry when I hear that line. I don't sob, just get teary eyed. It is a movie line that speaks to me. One sentence that I relate to so much that it brings tears.
My parents never really punished me, not that I recall. They never had to. I always punished myself for not being better, for not succeeding, for not exercising the needed patience. And my personal punishment was always worse when I failed or imagined that I screwed up.
I have yet to learn not to be hard on myself. Not to punish myself when I don't even know if I did something wrong. And at times, when it wasn't even my fault.
Stopping and pondering this thought, I have to ask myself. Where does it come from? The high expectations or standards that I have built for myself. It's one of those questions that I can't seem to answer. It reminds me of dust bunnies that you try to get but the just keep rolling along the floor because some invisible air flow pushes them along... Damn! I even get hard on myself over that. I should be able to get that thing.
Other people's levels don't bother me. Those are theirs to own regardless of how high or low they are. My standards are for me. Is it some fantasy that I've built for myself? Try to reach as high as possible. Get that A so I can prove something.
Maybe my expectations for myself will mellow with age? Pffft! Great... Maybe when I'm 80!
CSM
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